april 3-27, 2008

The Lady with all the Answers

Cathy Fuller as Ann Landers answers your questions ...

Need advice? Submit a question. Read responses below.

April 23, 2008

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

I am 20 yrs old, in college, and I have found a guy I love. We met on campus about six months ago, started dating, and became exclusive almost immediately. We had so much fun being together and connected on a deep level. After only a couple of months, however, he decided very suddenly that he was "not ready for a relationship" and asked if we could be friends. I said yes, of course, but was surprised as I thought things were going along just fine, including the physical part of the relationship. I am still a virgin, but I had already been thinking that this just might be the person I could love and trust enough to sleep with for the first time. Anyway, in the months since then not much has changed. Since we both live on campus, we still hang out a lot, both alone and in groups. I continue to have hopes that he might change his mind about being with me, but I also date others (no one seriously, yet). Here's the problem: When we happen to
be alone together, he still wants to cuddle and hold my hand, though he won't kiss me. This is confusing to me and when ask him what's up, he says, "I'm still not ready," but also says he loves being with me. This is driving me crazy and I'm not sure what to do. My mom thinks he might be in the process of figuring out his sexuality, but I've asked him and he says he is definitely not gay. Do you have any insight?

In a Holding Pattern

Dear Holding,

I sense that your guy is as sexually inexperienced as you. You state that you are a virgin…you don’t say if he is or not. If he is, the fact that the relationship might have been moving a little too fast for him may have scared him a little. He may be unsure of his ability to perform sexually and he may be very scared of moving into a sexual relationship because once a couple takes that step, it is very hard to go back. Breaking up is hard to do and it is harder once sex has become an element of the relationship. It sounds as though his friendship with you is so important that he may not want to jeopardize that by adding sex into the mix until he’s surer of his commitment to you. Just because he has backed off does not mean he is gay and since you have already dealt with that question, my advice would be to leave that alone and allow your friendship to grow and deepen. If you really like this guy, a firm friendship can grow into something deeper and something more intimate when the time is right. Don’t be too eager to take that sexual leap…make sure it is with the right guy for the right reasons. In the meantime enjoy your friendship with him…have fun…you are young…you should be having a ball right now and if the relationship is meant to be something deeper and more intimate, it will happen in it’s own time. Good Luck!!!

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

My best friend is married to a jerk and won't divorce her. What should I
do?

Signed, Fuming

Dear Fuming

Butt out! Keep your mouth shut and let them figure it out. If they decide to stay married you may very well lose your best friend if you don’t stay neutral.

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

Which lubricant is preferred for sex after sixty?

Your amorous friend, N.B.

Dear N.B.,

Check out the web…there are wonderful products out there. Just Google "sexual lubricants."

April 14, 2008

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

After 10 years being divorced, my ex will not be in the same room with
me. My son is getting married and I'm worried about his reaction and what should be mine.

Wedding Worried

Dear Wedding Worried,

Weddings can be a touchy time for families of divorce. It is one of those events that demand civility but is charged with all sorts of emotions that are just beneath the surface. My advice to you would be to contact your e and have a chat about how the two of you will conduct yourselves at the wedding. The most valuable wedding gift you can give your son is for his parents to be his parents and bury the hatchet for his very special day. The two of you need to examine what is really important here...your continued animosity for each other after 10 years of being divorced or your son's wedding. Don't spoil this special day for your son by continuing to rehash the past. Pick up the phone, call the ex and work it out, for the sake of your son.

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

What would you do if your daughter moved home for a few months (that was 3-1/2 years ago!) and doesn't help with any expenses or help around the house. I have tried talking with her and still nothing from her.

Put Upon Mom

Dear Put Upon Mom,

I hate to say it, but it may be time for some tough love here. As long as you continue to allow yourself to be taken advantage of, your daughter will never move on with her life. You need to take a tough stand. Short of kicking her out of the house, you need to set firm rules and regulations about rent, chores, food, etc. Make it very clear that unless she agrees to the terms and conditions of the living arrangements, she's welcome to find another place to hang her hat and then give her a deadline and stick to it. Unless you are willing to stand up for yourself, you might just have to get used to the idea that she may be around for a long time.

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

How does a 70-year-old Christian woman find a man of the same age
and beliefs for a long term friendship? There doesn't seem to be any!
There are men out there, but they only are interesed in one thing - SEX!

Looking for Love

Dear Looking,

I assume that you must have exhausted all of the usual avenues in your quest for companionship. Since your requirement for meeting someone in your age range with the same beliefs narrows your options, I would suggest that you may want to widen the search by joining an elder hostel group or taking some classes for seniors at a local college or university. If you meet someone that you like, you can find out whether or not he has similar beliefs. Now about the sex aspect...don't count it out...you may find out that after you start to get to know and like someone, you may actually find the idea of a more intimate relationship appealing.

April 6, 2008

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

My job gives me immense satisfaction, but I'm afraid that I work at it too much. I never get a chance to meet anyone outside work. I know this isn't healthy, but I'm also not sure what I would do with my time outside of the office, and I don't want to do a bad job. With all the time I put in, there's always more I can do. How do other people find a better work/life balance?

Sincerely, Nose to the Grindstone in St. Paul.

Dear Grindstone,

Do you know the old adage about too much work making Jack a dull boy...well if you don't start rearranging your priorities...I see nothing in your future but a millstone around your neck. It's not that hard...join a health club and go 3 times a week after work...you definitely need the exercise. Make a concerted effort to call the friends you may still have and make the time to spend at least one night out of the week-end with them. You don't say that you are married but I'm assuming from your letter that you are not. So, you
need to make the effort. Also understand that the more you do outside of work, the better you will be at work...mentally and physically refreshed not to mention a better conversationalist during coffee breaks. Good luck.

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

I'm married to a Republican but I'm a Democrat. At the beginning of our marriage, this made for an interesting exchange of ideas but now, every time I see President Bush on television I just get overwhelmed with anger -- at my husband! If we don't talk about politics, I just stew and stew until I'm angrier and angrier. When we do talk about politics, we're shouting. How can I keep congress, the white house and the supreme court from destroying an otherwise satisfying marriage?

From Blue State Wife, Red in the Face

Dear Blue but Red,

This is a toughie...this political season is especially rife with high emotions. Since you indicate that other than politics you like your marriage, I would advise that you stay away from anything to do with the current resident of the White House. Talk about anything else but politics...read some books together and discuss that...take some time for romance...go to movies...just do activities that don't require you to discuss the election...save it for the ballot box. And turn off the TV!!! Or get your CNN fix when he's out of the
house. It will all be over in November.

Dear Lady with all the Answers,

My wife expects me to support her while she tries to build a business she has been dreaming of since she was child. I also think it's a great business idea but its been a year since she stopped working and we're still not seeing any money from it. I don't want to spoil her dreams but I don't know how much longer this can go on. What makes it worse is that, sometimes, I feel like maybe she isn't working as hard as she could be. What should I do?

Regards, Open Wallet, Suspicious Mind.

Dear Suspicious, open wallet,

Well, well, well, aren't we a little paternal here. I would suggest that if you want to stay in your marriage you had better knock off the judgmental attitude. You don't say what your profession is but I'll bet you a dollar that your wife has put her dreams on hold to either put you through school or help you realize your dreams. It's her turn and if you think it's such a great
idea, instead of complaining about it, roll up your sleeves and ask her what you can to do other than bringing in a paycheck to help support those dreams. You had better be careful here because when that dream does start paying off, your attitude towards her and her dream will not be forgotten. When she's financially able, she will leave you in a nano second never forgetting that the man she married wasn't behind her a 100%.